Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
