Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
