I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
