If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
