so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
