Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
