O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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