i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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