if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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