You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
