I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
