Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
