Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
