my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
