What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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