I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
