I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my sisters under your porch take her home
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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