He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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