she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
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