you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
