Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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