Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
