If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
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