Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
