tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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