We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We're too hungover to prance.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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