you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
