Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
