Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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