Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
