I can feel you judging me through the phone.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
