i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
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I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
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I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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