The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
