dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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