i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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