Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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