he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just cropdusted the office
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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