I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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