i wish semen tasted like chocolate
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
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I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
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I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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