Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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