Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
