counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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