i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
