when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
