By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
