so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
