I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
