Just took my morning after pill in the library
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
