so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
