You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
