Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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