haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
