Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
