Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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