how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
