don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
