i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
