you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
