I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
