There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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