That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
