The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
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We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
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She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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