dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
