i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he thought i was a dude.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
